So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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