New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
