So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
