We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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