a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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