Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
