Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
