By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
