Fuck appropriateness.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
