Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
