I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
