bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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