He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
