Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
