My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
