I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
