It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
