Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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