haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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