I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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