The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
