Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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