I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
