oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i would one night stand the shit outta him
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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