I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
