well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
