I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize