If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you made out with another girl for some wings
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
