New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I believe in your delicious
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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