There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize