I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
