...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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