just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
