the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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