This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
