What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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