I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
