I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
