Screwed.edu
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
