He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
