Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
