he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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