...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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