I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
