Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
