I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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