she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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