i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My Higher Power is John Stamos
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
