i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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