After last night, I could never be a politician.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
