Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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