piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
