be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i love accidental penises.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
