The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize