yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
