You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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