I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
