Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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