Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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