I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
