The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
