I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
