conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
