Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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