after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
