i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
