It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
