I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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