Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize