are you so shy because you have an std?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
