I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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