Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
