I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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