I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Randomize
