I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
