is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
